Adiós Rock Bottom Avenue!

Recovery is a journey. Just like anything that matters to you, it takes willingness, sacrifice, and dedication to maintain. Each journey is different, and some require more work than others; but at the end of the day, it is YOURS. And the power of YOUR journey is determined by the work and effort you put into it.

I am just an average girl, who grew up in an average town in North Texas. I was raised by my independent, hard-working mother who poured her heart and soul into making sure my sister and I had everything we needed to reach fulfillment in life. We did well… we were a great team. I excelled at sports, had decent grades, and followed somewhat of a religious path. By the early age of 14, I became distracted… by alcohol.

I was clueless that my cool, new distraction would soon spark a flame that would slowly send my life spiraling downwards. Throughout college and the years that followed, life was all fun and games. I loved it. I was INVINCIBLE!! I was a SOCIAL BUTTERFLY. EVERYONE LOVED ME! Can’t stop, won’t stop, no problem! I had a badass job, I made plenty of money, everyone wanted to have sex with me! Let’s GO!! I was so self-absorbed and delusional, yet under the impression that I was in full control! My distraction had become my addiction. I was drinking daily and obsessed over when my next drink would be.

That’s when I realized that this alcohol thing might be controlling me. Turns out I was not that funny, not that cute with my make-up smeared, eyes bloodshot, slurred speech and pissing myself. “Ahh… I’ll drink to that, let’s numb the pain”, I would tell myself. Just like that I was back to square one. This was an on-going cycle of HELL, and I felt like I could not escape it, even when I tried.

And so, my addiction grew deeper, and the consequences grew darker. I began having seizures. I punched a wall and broke my arm when my then boyfriend prevented me from cutting my throat with a machete I found in his backyard. I got kicked out of an airport and missed my flight on Cinco de Mayo, because I was drunk strolling around with a unicorn piñata randomly poking people. I got fired from my job. I jumped out of a moving car. I got mugged in an elevator. I got DUI’s… 2 of them. I lost cell phones, purses, credit cards. I wrecked my car. I was constantly letting myself and others down. The list of shame and guilt goes on and on. Maybe this all sounds ridiculous, but I share my story and so many of its sordid details, hoping that for one of you, you’ll hear something that clicks. I share to let you know that you are not alone, because, GIRL, I’VE BEEN THERE TOO.

I was blacking out, making horrible life choices that led to jail time, multiple hospitalizations, failed relationships, and efforts at self-harm and suicide attempts. I felt defeated. Sure, I had successful events here and there. But those successes were blurred by the alcohol-fueled haze that created an illusion of what success and happiness were.

And then one day, something clicked. As I was nearing the end of the road they call “Rock Bottom Avenue”, I realized that this is not the life I wanted to live. And I wanted to live. I was not ready to die yet. In fact, I remember praying and begging God to please, let me live!! Though I had created so much damage and destruction, I was ready to face my consequences. Though I had a palpable fear of losing my friends, my social status, and my career, there was no way I could continue down the path that alcohol was taking me. It was time to sober up.

I went to an AA meeting. I found a sponsor almost immediately to help me through the steps of recovery. I followed any kind of advice to help fix this terrible mess I created. I took it ONE DAY AT A TIME. I soon learned that these wonderful people who have been in my shoes are here to love me, until I can learn to love myself. I was in shock… I was not judged at all. I was accepted. It was going to be okay. Who would have imagined? One day turned into one week. One week turned into one month. One month turned into one year. Now, my second year of sobriety is just around the corner. Before I began my journey of recovery, I would not have believed I could have gotten through one week without any substance. But I have pushed myself and do everything in my power to turn away from the poison that nearly took my life.

Every day, I choose not to be that person anymore. I have found ways to replace urges and tools to help guide me in making good choices. And now, here I am… sober, living my best life. I have climbed mountains, physically and spiritually. I run marathons, play soccer, hike 14ers, enjoy the taste of food, and am beginning graduate school. I am PRESENT in my daily life… in my activities and in my relationships. I have PURPOSE. I am here to tell you that it is ok to let go, to start over. I am here. I am ALIVE. I am grateful that I get to continue the life on earth: living, breathing, happier and healthier than I have ever been. This is ME, and this is just the beginning of MY beautiful journey.